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Cold Open: Super Life Club News Desk
ANCHOR (dead serious):
Good evening. In a move that political experts are calling “absolutely on brand for 2026,” Chicago Bears head coach Ben Johnson has reportedly quit his job immediately after beating the Green Bay Packers in his first playoff game—and is now “strongly considering” a run for President of the United States in 2028.
Sources close to the situation—specifically, a guy named Darnell who was yelling near the locker room tunnel—say Johnson looked into the camera after the win and whispered:
“My work here is done.”
Then he tried to high-five Lake Michigan.
Scene 1: The Locker Room Podium
Caleb Williams walks up to the microphone, visibly emotional. Someone hands him a towel. He uses it to wipe tears and also possibly to call plays.
CALEB WILLIAMS (sniffling):
That man… changed my life. And dag gone it—he’s gonna change this country.
REPORTER:
Caleb, what does this mean for the rest of the playoffs?
CALEB:
Coach said we’ve got such a head start now we can’t lose.
REPORTER:
But… you’re still in the playoffs.
CALEB (nodding):
Exactly. We’re so far ahead we already won the Super Bowl spiritually.
Scene 2: Ben Johnson Announces His Campaign
Ben Johnson walks out wearing a suit jacket over shoulder pads. Shirt missing. Confidence present. Excessive.
BEN JOHNSON:
Chicago was in the dredges. I brought it back. The Packers were up 21–3 at halftime. I fixed that too. So let’s be honest—what can’t I fix?
STAFFER (whispering):
Traffic on the Dan Ryan?
BEN JOHNSON (staring into the distance):
…Don’t test me.
CAMPAIGN SLOGAN (unveiled on a banner):
“BEN JOHNSON 2028: GO FOR TWO.”
(Because punting is for quitters—unless it’s Congress.)
Scene 3: The Handshake Heard ’Round the Windy City
After the game, Johnson approaches Packers coach Matt LaFleur.
NARRATOR:
Witnesses say the handshake lasted 0.4 seconds, which is the same amount of time Bears fans allow themselves to feel hope before checking the injury report.
Johnson shakes LaFleur’s hand and immediately sprints away at full speed.
BEN JOHNSON (skipping like a kid on seven Laffy Taffies):
Nah nah nah boo boo, you can’t catch me!
LaFleur stands frozen, wondering if this is football… or a Disney Channel pilot.
Scene 4: NORAD Issues a Statement
ANCHOR:
Around the same time, NORAD, the U.S. Space Force, and SpaceX reported what appeared to be an intercontinental ballistic missile launch originating from the Chicago area.
After investigation, officials confirmed it was not a missile.
It was simply Ben Johnson’s ego inflating past FAA airspace limits.
Scene 5: Chicago Reacts
Bears Fan #1 (heartbroken):
We finally got a coach who acts like he’s got a pair—like he could go toe-to-toe with Mike Ditka in a smack-talking contest. He’s no Ditka, but he’ll do.
Bears Fan #2 (wearing a “Johnson 2028” foam finger):
I don’t even care. I just want him elected so he can excommunicate the Packers from the NFL. Deport them to the CFL. Make ‘em play in Saskatchewan. Justice.
Bears Fan #3 (dazed):
I feel like I’m in a winning hangover. Is this… what joy feels like?
Scene 6: Politicians Respond
DONALD TRUMP (reportedly):
He’s very outspoken. No manners. A terrible handshake. Honestly, it was kind of impressive. But he should be more measured. I know measured. I invented measured.
JOE BIDEN (reportedly):
Ben Johnson… President of the United States? C’mon, man. Is this a joke? He’s not even a Bear.
BARACK OBAMA (reportedly, Chicago mode activated):
Yeah? I am fired up and ready to go… I am fired up and ready to go!!!
(Note: “reportedly” here means “our writer ate too much pizza and got creative.”)
Scene 7: Stephen A. Smith Enters the Chat
Cut to a studio. The lights are dramatic. The opinions are louder.
STEPHEN A. SMITH:
Let me be VERY CLEAR! Ben Johnson is out here going for two on democracy itself! The man can scheme! But can he handle foreign policy? Because Vladimir Putin ain’t the Packers defense, okay?!
CO-HOST:
Stephen A., you’ve also been “supposedly” thinking about running for President.
STEPHEN A.:
I didn’t say I was. I said America deserves options. And if Ben Johnson is running, then I want a debate. Because I refuse—REFUSE!—to live in a country where the playbook is longer than the Constitution!
Ben Johnson’s Presidential Platform (Allegedly)
No one really knows Johnson’s stance on major issues, but an advisor close to him—a Madden player with 4,000 hours logged—claims Johnson has three guiding principles:
- Always Go For Two in Important Situations
“If the moment matters, we don’t kick. We attack.” - Foreign Policy: “No One Will Punk Us” Doctrine
“We’re going for it on 4th down. Don’t try us.” - Economic Plan: The Double & Triple Reverse-Down Economy
Built on expanded AI capacity and a bold new approach to budgets called:
“Just keep running counters until it works.”
Also, he reportedly listed Ronald Reagan as one of his childhood heroes and listed “audibles” as his favorite form of bipartisan compromise.
Closing: Back to the News Desk
ANCHOR:
As of press time, the Bears are still in the playoffs, still alive, and still confused about who their head coach is.
Ben Johnson’s campaign staff says he will be announcing his running mate soon, and early rumors include:
- a laminated play sheet
- a shirt
- and the ghost of “Monsters of the Midway”
More details as this story develops—assuming Ben doesn’t resign from the campaign after winning the first debate and declare America “fixed.”
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