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Disclaimer: This article is satire. It is not real news, and none of this actually happened. (Yet.)
PITTSBURGH, PA — In a move that shocked Steelers fans, confused the entire AFC North, and briefly caused three local Primanti Bros. locations to run out of napkins, Mike Tomlin announced he is resigning as head coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers to help lead Elon Musk’s next trip to Mars.
Tomlin entered the press conference wearing a black turtleneck, Steelers track pants, and what appeared to be a laminated “The Standard Is The Standard” card taped to a NASA-style clipboard.
“Ok gentlemen… and ladies…” Tomlin began, pausing long enough for every microphone to somehow get louder. “We have a great challenge before us. We are not just going to space. We are going to Mars. To boldly go where no man has gone before.”
Reporters then asked the obvious question: What does Mike Tomlin know about space exploration?
“Nothing,” Tomlin admitted, nodding like this was a strength. “But you don’t have to be a rocket scientist or anything like that. We’re not looking for style points. We’re looking for execution.”
Introducing the Two Ships: The Bettis and the Roethlesburger
Tomlin revealed he’s already drawn up blueprints for two massive ships designed to carry settlers to the red planet. He unveiled their names with the seriousness of a man announcing a playoff game plan:
- The Bettis — built like a tank, expected to “run through contact,” and rumored to be powered by pure momentum and fourth-quarter patience.
- The Roethlesburger — sponsored by a fast-food partnership that absolutely insisted on spelling it that way. The ship reportedly features a drive-thru window “for morale.”
Elon Musk stood nearby, smiling the way he does when he’s thinking, This might actually work, somehow.
“Mike brings leadership,” Musk said. “Also, he promised to install a no-losing-seasons policy on Mars, which is… ambitious.”
Tomlin Explains His Leadership Credentials
When asked why he’s suddenly speaking like a space captain, Tomlin cleared his throat and got even more inspirational.
“I have a huge admiration for Captain Jean-Luc Picard,” he said. “And I used to watch Battleship Galactica when I was a kid. That’s why I talk like this.”
He then leaned into the mic and added:
“I always wanted to be in the military. Always wanted to be a leader of men… and women—if you know what I mean.”
He paused, smirked, and pointed toward the audience like a dad who just discovered stand-up comedy.
“That was a joke. You are allowed to laugh. In fact, you are commanded to laugh.”
NASA officials reportedly approved the joke under a new policy called Morale Through Mild Confusion.
Tomlin Hires Stephen A. Smith for a 24/7 Launch Livestream
Tomlin then announced he’s bringing in Stephen A. Smith to provide play-by-play commentary for both the launch and the entire two-and-a-half-year trip to Mars.
“Stephen A, the floor is yours,” Tomlin said.
Stephen A stood up immediately, adjusting his suit like he was about to argue with a planet.
“I am renaming Mars Ma Ma Land… the new Los Angeles, you know?” Stephen A declared.
Tomlin blinked once.
“Stephen A… you do know there is no breathable air on Mars?”
Stephen A waved him off. “And there is no drinkable water on Mars?”
“That is also correct.”
Stephen A’s eyebrows rose like a man who just realized he booked a vacation to a parking lot.
“What? They don’t have beaches full of beautiful green women wearing bathing suits?”
Tomlin leaned back into the mic.
“No. If you take off your space suit you will die of radiation poisoning.”
Stephen A nodded slowly, as if taking in the weight of the universe—and the weight of not having oceanfront property.
Stephen A. Bails Out Immediately
“I have an announcement,” Stephen A said. “I will not be going on the trip to Mars with you fine people.”
The crowd gasped.
“I will be live streaming this event nonstop for the duration of the two and a half years that Mike Tomlin and the crew will be on their voyage.”
The crowd cheered again, because Americans will clap for any sentence containing “nonstop live streaming.”
“Bon voyage and Godspeed to you all,” Stephen A concluded. “Please send me a postcard.”
Tomlin Returns to the Podium (Because That’s Where He Belongs)
Mike Tomlin returned to the mic, because everything truly is better when Mike Tomlin is on the podium.
“Ok, ok… thank you, Stephen A, for that… whatever that was. Thank you.”
Tomlin then delivered the update Steelers fans feared most:
“Since Stephen A has bailed out like a… highly emotional small mammal… on us and this historic trip to Mars with Elon—we have a plan B.”
Plan B: Steve Harvey, Chris Tucker, and The View
Tomlin announced the 24-hour play-by-play livestream team will now be:
- Steve Harvey (for inspirational sermons and sudden loud laughter)
- Chris Tucker (for panic-based comedy and high-speed commentary)
- And the ladies of The View
“Get it?” Tomlin said. “The View.”
Musk reportedly nodded and whispered, “That’s… actually perfect.”
At Press Time…
Sources say the first official Mars training drill involves:
- Installing a Steelers-style defense around the oxygen tanks
- Teaching settlers how to survive on short yardage and pure willpower
- And renaming the first Mars colony “Standard City” because “it plays well in press conferences.”
Disclaimer again: This is satire. Please don’t sell your house to buy a ticket on The Roethlesburger.
“If you thought this headline was wild, you’ll love my Ben Johnson 2028 ‘Go For Two’ satire.”
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